Weekend at The Outlaws

As I've mentioned in the chat on the blog I do soooo look forward to my visits to see the wife's family! Now I'm not saying they aren't wonderful people, far from it! In fact I'm sure they are are highly regarded in certain circles.

I guess it just boils down to the fact that the only thing we have in common is that I married their daughter! I like a drink... they don't! I like sport ... they don't! I like to eat lots of food.... they don't!

The normal weekend ensued this visit with an alcohol free house (although I do occasionally get offered a warm bottle of lager), a busy schedule of craft fairs and  antique shops. Not that they want to buy anything! Oh no, they just love looking at all that tat and fighting with the 100's of other saddo's with nothing better to do! "For God's sake people go and watch a football match or something!" I scream out!!! (Silently in my head ;-))

As if that wasn't enough they topped it all on the Sunday! Upon our arrival it was announced we were going out for Sunday lunch! A double dose of good fortune for me! It may mean a drink or two and it would certainly mean lots of food to gorge on. This gave me the strength I needed to get through Saturday's ordeal.

At least when I am at home and X Factor is on I can find escape in Spanish football or something else to bet on! Actually thinking about I'm normally still having a few beers after rugby that's why I don't see it! Anyway not at the outlaws! Oh no I had to endure 2 hours of utter crap! I have been through similar in the past as any gambler on late night South American football can testify. But I wasn't even able to have a bet on this!!

Anyway not to worry as I day dreamed of my lovely pub lunch the following day.

Sunday morning arrived and I had an unusual spring in my step as I beamed at everyone and offered conversational titbits that even Hugh Scully would have engaged with. In to the cars we piled and onto the open road we headed.

Upon arrival I noticed it wasn't a pub but not to worry it still did Sunday lunch so no problem. We were greeted in a warm and friendly manner by a delightful young girl and taken to our table. The menu's were handed out and we were asked what we wanted to drink. Being the polite soul I am, I waited my turn patiently. I've never heard so many weird and wonderful drinks ordered... elderflower, nettle blossom tea!!! WTF??? Any way when it came to me I piped up proudly.. "I'll have a Pint of your finest lager please" Big grin firmly on my face.

Suddenly the previously friendly waitress turned, her face dropped as she asked me incredulously.. "A Pint??"

I could feel the eyes of everyone in the restaurant on me. Half chewed food on display in jaw dropped gaping mouths! Had I committed a faux pas? Perhaps... Did I care? Certainly NOT!!!!

"Yes a pint!!" I responded in a firm, yet calm manner!
"I think we have some bottles in the back, would that be ok?" was not the response I was looking for!

As she scurried of to mash her wild berries and extract her bloomin essence of jiggleberry. I sought comfort in the menu.

Within thirty seconds I realised the depths of the deceit which had been deployed upon me!!! V-E-G-E-T-A-R-I-A-N!!!!! What manifestation of subversive depravity is this? I look up I look down... not even so much as a meat substitute on the menu!!

The drinks arrived as I ordered my lentil and vegetable curry. At least I could drown my sorrow's on (yes you've guessed it) WARM lager!!!